Do You Hear Me Now?

This morning I woke up angry. This happens on occasion. I assume it's whatever my subconscious has dreamed up, and I suspect that last night it had to do with my mom again. As I'm trying to wake myself up, my hand gets caught in one of my necklaces and I yank too hard, breaking the chain that holds my mom's rings. Then I get in the shower, and as I'm getting out, I look down to see that the pictures of us from the keychain I carry are on the ground, getting wet. Is this a sign? If so, what in the world does it mean?? Is it just my subconscious acting out because it's been 8 months to the day (and I doubt anyone else will recognize this)?

Last night - well, in truth, the past several nights - was particularly hard. I started thinking of my mom - and of course, that means going through a range of emotions. Intense sadness/loneliness from no longer having her in my life to call whenever I need/want.Intense anger at how/when it happened; my family's (shitty) reactions - seriously, that time was NOT about you and your vacations and reasons to celebrate. But even if they thought that was somehow appropriate, their utter disregard for how people closest to her were feeling - then, a day later, a week later, a month later, EIGHT MONTHS LATER - really disgusts me. They are not the kind of family I thought they were. I *thought* they were the kind to care, but really everyone is caught up in their own lives. We all do it; I do it. But NOT then. I almost feel like I can never forgive them. Of course, this is not what my mom would have wanted, but right now, it is how I feel; perhaps one day I will learn to forgive them and let go of this anger.Intense guilt for not doing more to try to save her, to spend more time with her, to make her happier. Also guilt for depending on MW so much - nearly to the point where he feels guilty leaving me alone, even though our time zones are currently six hours different. Sometimes I feelhappiness for a moment - looking at one of my favorite pictures where I'm hugging my mom and she has that lovely smile she always wore, no matter what, or thinking about how she would make me laugh. Of course, the happiness is so fleeting because it always reminds me of what I no longer have, of the gaping hole in my heart.

MW told me last night he wondered if I will ever be the same. Sometimes I'm the "old" me, but mostly I'm not. I'm not sure I can ever be *that* girl again. It seems like a slap in my mom's face if I were able to be the same person with and without her, almost as if she were meaningless in my life. Clearly, since I would give up anything in my life to have her back again, this just simply is not true. And yet I know she would want me to be happy, to do the things I planned on doing, to reach for the stars as always. I so desperately want to, and some days I can convince myself to pursue that for her. Most days I am completely apathetic.

Even with this current internship, I have to wonder how (if?) it would have been different if this had not all happened. Would I love Geneva? Would I love my work? Would I be looking for an extension rather than an early end date? I try to imagine what life would be like but I think it is impossible to know.

I have increasingly been feeling like I should go to a temple or some quiet spiritual place where I can sit alone and think in peace. I have a lot of time to sit alone but I often look for something - anything - to distract me. Going to some place like that might help me resolve some things. Maybe. We'll see.