Alone

MW and I traveled around Europe for three weeks. We saw amazing sites and met amazing people. Repeatedly, however, I would find myself thinking that my mom would enjoy this, would appreciate experiencing this, should have had the opportunity to be here. Frequently these thoughts would overwhelm me in churches or religious places. I wonder if this is a sign that she is here with me? That I should believe in something higher? Or merely that these are the places that remind me of my mom the most, at least in a foreign place without any memories attached.

And now, MW is back stateside. I am left alone in a single room in a hostel filled with unfriendly faces in a city that is brutally cold (figuratively and literally). My one comfort, which also brings me back to my deep pain, is the small collage of pictures of my mom - with me, with friends, with family. Sometimes I look at them and think how blessed I am to have had her in my life for so long. Other times I think maybe this is better, maybe she feels better now, maybe she was in too much pain here. Mostly I am selfish and just wish she was here, wish I could tell her about my travels, wish I could show her my pictures, wish I could see and hear her on Skype, and I wish that when I go back stateside, she'd be there with her arms out, ready to give me the biggest hug ever.

When I first found out, all I could think about was her and this empty space in my life. For the past month, I've been pushing it out of my mind, for the most part. Obviously, I think about her everyday still, and there were times where I was completely overwhelmed and just cried/sobbed. But it wasn't until MW left that I began to notice the giant hole in my heart, in my life again. When you're all alone, I guess you have to face the truth. So I'm turning to you blog - in hopes that I can figure out how to fix my life.

It's impossible to forget her but how do I live my life knowing she'd be happy/proud, and also actually feel *happy* again without all the guilt of moving on?