Do You Hear Me Now?

This morning I woke up angry. This happens on occasion. I assume it's whatever my subconscious has dreamed up, and I suspect that last night it had to do with my mom again. As I'm trying to wake myself up, my hand gets caught in one of my necklaces and I yank too hard, breaking the chain that holds my mom's rings. Then I get in the shower, and as I'm getting out, I look down to see that the pictures of us from the keychain I carry are on the ground, getting wet. Is this a sign? If so, what in the world does it mean?? Is it just my subconscious acting out because it's been 8 months to the day (and I doubt anyone else will recognize this)?

Last night - well, in truth, the past several nights - was particularly hard. I started thinking of my mom - and of course, that means going through a range of emotions. Intense sadness/loneliness from no longer having her in my life to call whenever I need/want.Intense anger at how/when it happened; my family's (shitty) reactions - seriously, that time was NOT about you and your vacations and reasons to celebrate. But even if they thought that was somehow appropriate, their utter disregard for how people closest to her were feeling - then, a day later, a week later, a month later, EIGHT MONTHS LATER - really disgusts me. They are not the kind of family I thought they were. I *thought* they were the kind to care, but really everyone is caught up in their own lives. We all do it; I do it. But NOT then. I almost feel like I can never forgive them. Of course, this is not what my mom would have wanted, but right now, it is how I feel; perhaps one day I will learn to forgive them and let go of this anger.Intense guilt for not doing more to try to save her, to spend more time with her, to make her happier. Also guilt for depending on MW so much - nearly to the point where he feels guilty leaving me alone, even though our time zones are currently six hours different. Sometimes I feelhappiness for a moment - looking at one of my favorite pictures where I'm hugging my mom and she has that lovely smile she always wore, no matter what, or thinking about how she would make me laugh. Of course, the happiness is so fleeting because it always reminds me of what I no longer have, of the gaping hole in my heart.

MW told me last night he wondered if I will ever be the same. Sometimes I'm the "old" me, but mostly I'm not. I'm not sure I can ever be *that* girl again. It seems like a slap in my mom's face if I were able to be the same person with and without her, almost as if she were meaningless in my life. Clearly, since I would give up anything in my life to have her back again, this just simply is not true. And yet I know she would want me to be happy, to do the things I planned on doing, to reach for the stars as always. I so desperately want to, and some days I can convince myself to pursue that for her. Most days I am completely apathetic.

Even with this current internship, I have to wonder how (if?) it would have been different if this had not all happened. Would I love Geneva? Would I love my work? Would I be looking for an extension rather than an early end date? I try to imagine what life would be like but I think it is impossible to know.

I have increasingly been feeling like I should go to a temple or some quiet spiritual place where I can sit alone and think in peace. I have a lot of time to sit alone but I often look for something - anything - to distract me. Going to some place like that might help me resolve some things. Maybe. We'll see.

Alone

MW and I traveled around Europe for three weeks. We saw amazing sites and met amazing people. Repeatedly, however, I would find myself thinking that my mom would enjoy this, would appreciate experiencing this, should have had the opportunity to be here. Frequently these thoughts would overwhelm me in churches or religious places. I wonder if this is a sign that she is here with me? That I should believe in something higher? Or merely that these are the places that remind me of my mom the most, at least in a foreign place without any memories attached.

And now, MW is back stateside. I am left alone in a single room in a hostel filled with unfriendly faces in a city that is brutally cold (figuratively and literally). My one comfort, which also brings me back to my deep pain, is the small collage of pictures of my mom - with me, with friends, with family. Sometimes I look at them and think how blessed I am to have had her in my life for so long. Other times I think maybe this is better, maybe she feels better now, maybe she was in too much pain here. Mostly I am selfish and just wish she was here, wish I could tell her about my travels, wish I could show her my pictures, wish I could see and hear her on Skype, and I wish that when I go back stateside, she'd be there with her arms out, ready to give me the biggest hug ever.

When I first found out, all I could think about was her and this empty space in my life. For the past month, I've been pushing it out of my mind, for the most part. Obviously, I think about her everyday still, and there were times where I was completely overwhelmed and just cried/sobbed. But it wasn't until MW left that I began to notice the giant hole in my heart, in my life again. When you're all alone, I guess you have to face the truth. So I'm turning to you blog - in hopes that I can figure out how to fix my life.

It's impossible to forget her but how do I live my life knowing she'd be happy/proud, and also actually feel *happy* again without all the guilt of moving on?

Sad birthday

I thought I would use this blog to communicate my feelings, but I've found it so hard to express anything. I just celebrated my 25th birthday. Without you. It was awful. At midnight, I looked at my phone and expected you to call. I was devastated when I realized it was not going to happen.

The morning of my birthday, I opened dad's present. He got me a nice wallet and a card. When I saw his name alone, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I balled for awhile, and thank god Pete was here to hold me. I decided to skip my classes and go to Wellesley instead. We had a great breakfast at a little diner and walked around Lake Waban. Later, we went out to dinner with friends from Wellesley and BU.

It really upset me that no one acknowledged this was the first time I was doing this without you. I guess there really is nothing for them to say, but ... even Ronnie, Larry and dad didn't mention it -and they should have. It's like we say in grief group - grief over a loss is NOT like a broken arm; people's can't see the grief so sometimes they forget or don't realize that we're still in SO much pain.

I also really missed your crazy presents. Some of the things you sent I didn't need or understand, but it came from such a genuine place, and you were always so cute about it, that I loved everything no matter what. I'm afraid I'll never have that again in my life...

I love you. I'm glad I got to see you in my dreams last night. For the first time in a long time, it felt like genuine laughter. I tried to hold on to that feeling today, but with Pete gone and me sitting alone in my room, all I can think of is how miserable and lonely I am without my best friend. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better.

My Heroine

Today I got an email asking me to write a paragraph or two about a woman in math/science/etc who had inspired me and helped make me who I am today. My mother may not have been a rock scientist, but I couldn't help think of her and decide that today was the day I finally started a blog to commemorate her, us, our memories. I've been thinking about it for awhile, but it's been quite hard to actually sit down at the computer to express in words anything that I've been feeling for the past three-and-a-half months.

I suspect, if I can keep myself blogging, that these posts will show the rollercoaster ride I'm on in my life right now. I hope that I will soon find others who have shared in a similar loss and can stand with me in this lonely place. I hope others will get to know my mom and appreciate just how amazing and beautiful she is.

But today, I say, is to remembering our lives, seeking joy in our happiness and sorrow in our suffering, and promising to never, ever forget you or what you meant to me.

I will always love you, Mommy.