Sad birthday

I thought I would use this blog to communicate my feelings, but I've found it so hard to express anything. I just celebrated my 25th birthday. Without you. It was awful. At midnight, I looked at my phone and expected you to call. I was devastated when I realized it was not going to happen.

The morning of my birthday, I opened dad's present. He got me a nice wallet and a card. When I saw his name alone, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I balled for awhile, and thank god Pete was here to hold me. I decided to skip my classes and go to Wellesley instead. We had a great breakfast at a little diner and walked around Lake Waban. Later, we went out to dinner with friends from Wellesley and BU.

It really upset me that no one acknowledged this was the first time I was doing this without you. I guess there really is nothing for them to say, but ... even Ronnie, Larry and dad didn't mention it -and they should have. It's like we say in grief group - grief over a loss is NOT like a broken arm; people's can't see the grief so sometimes they forget or don't realize that we're still in SO much pain.

I also really missed your crazy presents. Some of the things you sent I didn't need or understand, but it came from such a genuine place, and you were always so cute about it, that I loved everything no matter what. I'm afraid I'll never have that again in my life...

I love you. I'm glad I got to see you in my dreams last night. For the first time in a long time, it felt like genuine laughter. I tried to hold on to that feeling today, but with Pete gone and me sitting alone in my room, all I can think of is how miserable and lonely I am without my best friend. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better.

My Heroine

Today I got an email asking me to write a paragraph or two about a woman in math/science/etc who had inspired me and helped make me who I am today. My mother may not have been a rock scientist, but I couldn't help think of her and decide that today was the day I finally started a blog to commemorate her, us, our memories. I've been thinking about it for awhile, but it's been quite hard to actually sit down at the computer to express in words anything that I've been feeling for the past three-and-a-half months.

I suspect, if I can keep myself blogging, that these posts will show the rollercoaster ride I'm on in my life right now. I hope that I will soon find others who have shared in a similar loss and can stand with me in this lonely place. I hope others will get to know my mom and appreciate just how amazing and beautiful she is.

But today, I say, is to remembering our lives, seeking joy in our happiness and sorrow in our suffering, and promising to never, ever forget you or what you meant to me.

I will always love you, Mommy.